weeping may endure, but joy comes in the mourning.

A familiar visitor came to my house…
I was faced with feelings I didn’t want to have.
The desire to turn numb, to stop caring, to give up…
Silently those feelings crept into my heart.
Discouraged, depressed, disgusted…
Everything turned ugly. 
Anger and irritation toward Adam and the children took the helm of my attitude.
Words exchanged between Adam and I, clanged in my ears…
My children’s inquisitive nature became an annoyance…
Their crafts on the table infuriated me.

Their messy faces from playing in the dirt outside overwhelmed me. 
Their petty fights sounded like a world war. 

My mind raced with angry thoughts and questions…
<>

I was overwhelmed, overtaken, overcome by the ugliness I perceived as reality.
Depression had come to my door, let itself in, and settled down for a visit. In my kitchen.
NO!
I had to tell it to “Get the hell out!”
I recognized the familiar symptoms of pain and despair early on.
As those feelings clung onto me with their last effort, I took a moment to call out the depression for what it was, and began healing.

I went on a walk, and waves of weeping came.
A while later, I went downstairs to lift weights and I wept more. while I was trying to lift weights.
I was on my face.
I could not stop weeping… and I did not want to.
The Holy Spirit began to overwhelm, overtake and overcome me.
As the depression tried clinging to my spirit with one last effort, the weeping washed it away.
As the tears ran down my face, I could see more clearly.
I began to see Truth.

It could have been much worse.
I have been there before.
When despair and anger take up a chair at my kitchen table and stay a while longer. 
When the feelings become my reality for longer than a few moments.
When the whole day is spent crying and frustrated.
When the floor of my car is covered in kleenex at my feet, and I blow my nose so much, my nose ring falls out. 
Those times are hard. They are really tough.
And I’ve been there.
But I don’t have to stay there. And neither do you.

One thing I have asked of the Lord is to see. 
To see things like He does.
To see people like He does.
Including myself.
He loves me so much.
He loves this world so much.
He is breaking my heart for the people He loves. the things He loves.
When my eyes are focused on seeing Him, He will move me to weep for the people He weeps for, and for the things He weeps for, even more than myself.
He will move me to pray for the people and for the things He loves.
He will restore my Joy.
And I will not be silent.
I will be honest about the weeping, and sing praise thru the depression, as my Joy returns.
And I will say, “O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever.”

Have you struggled with depression?
I’ve been there.
I’ve seen my joy returned.
And I know He can restore your joy too.
Praying for your journey… feel free to share.

In Him, Leslie

Psalm 30:5b “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning…” 
Psalm 30:11-12 “…You have turned my mourning into dancing; You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, to the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever.” 

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