sometimes we need a pastors conference… and sometimes, we just need to fall apart

August 17, 20131 Comment

a few weeks ago we returned from an epic trip, visiting family and enjoying the pacific northwest.

after surviving our family vacation time, we traveled onto the great state of california to visit more family, and attend the national vineyard pastors conference in anaheim.

my heart was full from family time, and my emotions were high with expectation for the conference time awaiting us…

buuuut… after a trip to the beach, my excitement quickly faded…

and i fell apart…

sometimes moms need to fall apart.

disappointment, frustration, and tiredness had all set in.

i could feel it growing inside me while we were at the beach.

i was pissed off while we were at the beach.

the beach was beautiful, the kids and adam were having a blast, but i was melting down internally.

as we were leaving the beach, i slipped and fell flat. on. my. butt.

looking back at the scene, it was funny. (and thankfully i can laugh about it now)

but in that moment, i lost it.

i fell apart.

i wept from the beach all the way to the pastors conference for nearly 2 hours (while we were driving in heavy los angeles traffic, of course).

the kids were asleep, adam didn’t know what to do with me, or how to help me, and all i could do was weep.
a pile of kleenex covered my feet on the floor of the car.

i blew my nose so much, my nose ring fell out.

fall apart. give up. lose control. be selfish. let go.

that’s exactly what i needed to do.

and in that time of weeping and losing it, i found it…

God taught me so much thru the hot tears streaming down my cheeks…

the words i managed to choke out in between sobs, so adam would know i was going to be okay.

i needed the freedom to cry.

and thru those tears, i began to see again.

they washed away my frustration, disappointment and anger.

when the tears subsided, my face was red and swollen, but i could see again.

they washed away my human expectation and i could see with God’s vision.

ironic ~ we were on our way to a pastors conference that we had planned for and dreamed about, and all i could do was weep.

pastors give so much of themselves day in and day out… and the hope was to be poured into at the conference.

our expectations were so high, they were bound to be disappointed.

moms often feel that have to keep it all together ~ for the kids, for their spouse, for the sake of the family.

and pastors carry that same burden ~ for their congregation, for their leaders, for the sake of the church.
but sometimes, we all need to fall apart…

Selah having one of her many meltdowns…

and do note the sign in the background referring to the kids still in the children’s ministry,
“please pick up your children [pretty please with sugar on top]”
isn’t it ironic? 😉

the pastors conference was tough for our family.

the kids were homesick.

the girls wouldn’t go into their classes.
selah threw many a temper tantrum.

the schedule was busy and time ran thin.

it was difficult to glean from the conference, while balancing the needs of our family.

but God.

He is so good.

He taught me so much thru my kids that week…

He showed me so much thru the ‘random’ people we talked with…

He poured into us in ways we never expected.

in our weakness, God is strongest.

in our frailty, God shows His power.

in our disappointments, God reveals His plans.

in our weeping, we let go so God can work.

sometimes we need to attend a pastors conference…

and sometimes, we just need to fall apart.

Thank you for reading~feel free to comment, share and follow us on halfwritten records.

In Him, Leslie 🙂

insanity.

August 2, 2013Leave a comment

some days i think i’m going insane, ifffff…

insanity is ‘doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.’ [at one time, Albert Einstein was given credit for this quote]

“brush your teeth, change your clothes, get ready for school, put your shoes on, brush your hair, do your homework, don’t whine, don’t fight, don’t mess around – just GO to the bathroom if you need to…”

i tell my kids the same thing over and over and over again – every day – expecting this time they will do what i am asking them to do without my having to repeat myself over and over and over again. i’m expecting different results, right? daily, i do the same tasks over and over and over again – the dishes don’t disappear, the laundry won’t wash itself, the bills won’t pay themselves. insanity, right?

a few weeks ago, i began the work out program insanity.

i love running. and usually that’s my exercise of choice…

but i realized i needed to do something different, if i was expecting different results.

so the insanity began.

i’ve peed my pants while doing the jumps. [sorry, tmi] after having 3 babes au natural, this happens.

i’ve sweat more profusely than any other time in my life. i’ve debated taking a shower before and after the workout because of the insane amount of sweating with this workout.

i’ve never sounded more ridiculous while trying to be healthy. seriously, these power and diamond jumps evoke weird noises when you’re giving your all to this work out.

buuut… if i’m working out in the evening – and then eating noodles for dinner at 10pm – it might be, just might be, pointless.

so i’m working out with insanity and i’m expecting different results.

buuut… insanity is not really ‘doing the same thing(s) over and expecting different results’.

insanity is actually defined as:

1) a deranged state of the mind usually occurring as a specific disorder (as schizophrenia)

2) such unsoundness of mind or lack of understanding as prevents one from having the mental capacity required by law to enter into a particular relationship, status, or transaction or as removes one from criminal or civil responsibility

3) a: extreme folly or unreasonableness

b: something utterly foolish or unreasonable

…

the insanity work out program is centered on exercises which work on/from your core. physically, our core is primarily what keeps us together.

it is all about your posture, keeping the correct posture for each exercise, and making sure your core is always in check.

whether you’ve been exercising a long time, or never have, our physical core needs the most focus. everything hinges on our core.

so what about our spiritual core?

we have to maintain our spiritual core, keep it in check, and work on having a correct core posture, or it will get flabby and out of shape and cause us heart problems… hmm… the same as our physical core.

my hearts core desire is to maintain a spiritual posture of surrender.

if i am surrendered to God, i can fully abide in Him, lean on Him to keep my spiritual core in check and trust the Holy Spirit to convict me of sin.

there are many things that can impact the deterioration of our spiritual core… leading to sin – and even insanity.

one of the most disruptive areas of sin that can absolutely crush our spiritual posture of surrender, is pride.

pride is the polar opposite of surrender.

part of our spiritual work out plan should be to keep our pride ‘in check’.

how can we avoid insanity?

in the same way a physical work out needs to be maintained on a regular basis, keeping our spiritual core in check is a continuous activity.

this can’t just happen in a church service on christmas, easter, or even once a week on sunday mornings…

sin never takes a day off.

how do we maintain a healthy spiritual core? everyday we must be spending time in God’s Word, in worship, in a posture of surrender.

in the Bible we can read of King Nebuchadnezzar, who was filled with pride. even after he saw the miraculous works of God and praised Him, still his own heart was filled with pride. he was humiliated, stripped of his rulership, and… eventually he went insane. {Daniel 4:28-37 NKJ}

The king spoke saying, “is not this great Babylon, that I have built for a royal dwelling by my mighty power and for the honor of my majesty? While the word was still in the kings mouth, a voice fell from heaven: ‘King Nebuchadnezzar, to you it is spoken: the kingdom has departed from you!”… that very hour the word was fulfilled concerning Nebuchadnezzar; he was driven from men and ate grass like oxen; his body was wet with the dew of heaven till his hair had grown like eagles’ feathers and his nails like birds’ claws.

we are responsible for our core posture.

physically, we need to maintain an exercise routine and build up our core posture.

spiritually, we need to maintain our core posture of surrender unto the One true God.

it’s never too late to start building your healthy core posture.

physically, start today – start with 1 mile – 25 sit ups – 10 push ups – whatever you can do. just do it.

spiritually, start today – read your Bible for 15 minutes – pray for 10 minutes – take 5 minutes to listen to a worship song.

there is always hope for physical and spiritual restoration.

“at the end of time I, Nebuchadnezzar lifted my eyes to heaven and my understanding returned to me. I blessed the Most High and praised and honored Him who lives forever… at the same time my reason returned to me… now I, Nebuchadnezzar, praise and extol and honor the King of heaven, all of whose works are truth, and His ways justice. and those who walk in pride He is able to put down.”

what’s your spiritual posture? how are you maintaining your spiritual core?

thank you for reading 🙂 as always, feel free to comment, share and follow this blog.

In Him, Leslie

Surviving our Family Vacation…

August 1, 20131 Comment

whew.
my family is just coming off the highs [and lows] of an epic trip – 26 days and 6,000+ miles of travel by 5 airplanes, 2 rental cars and 5 places we stayed, throughout Oregon and California.
we’ve been back almost 2 weeks, and I am still. tired.
seriously, I was so tired.
we were constantly on the go – seeing so many people, places and things.

it. was. awesome.
seriously, it was so awesome.
all the time we spent with people, places we went to, and things we did were awesome.

…and these are our stories of the stains, pains and gains of traveling across the country for 26 days.

travel is super fun. but it is also super hard… especially when traveling with 3 small kids.
it is taking your work with you 24/7. it is never getting a break. or downtime. it’s wiping butts elsewhere. it’s time out elsewhere. it’s losing count of how many times you turn around and say “stop fighting! keep your hands to yourselves! quit bothering your sister!” it’s not being able to separate the 3 bickering kids squished into a Toyota Camry rental car when they are used to slightly more space (at home) in the luxury of your own ’97 Honda Odyssey. it’s gritting your teeth and clenching your toes b/c your trying to force your 3 1/2 year old on the toilet and scaring her with your demon angry mom face without everyone in Powell’s bookstore hearing you yell underneath your breath at her to “GO POTTY!”…
as one friend coined the phrase: it’s parenting elsewhere.

it’s finding a tick on selah’s head during our picnic at the beach, smelling oil in the ocean as each wave brings a new whiff of the lovely odor, looking into the vast distance of the ocean, only for the view to be halted by the oil rigs doing their ‘job’. discovering the oil stains on their swim suits and bodies after we’ve spent hours playing in the water unaware of the results. the beach trips were some our favorite days, but there was always a little something to remind us nothing is perfect… even on the beach days that were close to perfect… like hearing them whine ~ “i wish the beach didn’t have so much sand! or “i wish the sand was grass!” really?! these kids.

it’s sneaking into the historical Santa Barbara Mission church service, feeling guilty about limbo-ing underneath the rope with a “service closed” sign attached. [well, soleil and i felt guilty… because we try and follow rules] so after a brief argument, we nonchalantly whistled our way under the rope. oh, and Adam walked right in and joined the communion line, no sweat. the usher telling him, “I’d never tell anyone they can’t take communion.” good job usher – you just affirmed my husband breaking all the rules. the Mission was built in 1786 and has been around a while, so i’m sure we’re not the first ones to have “broken in”.

then there’s selah yelling all the way up the hike to Multnomah falls, and all the other tourists giving me their pity – or ‘you’re a terrible mother’ – glances along the way. well, at least she smiled for the family picture. but only after i bribed her into doing so with the promise of ice cream. then there was our visit to Tillamook cheese factory where you can view the workers processing and packaging the cheese and other dairy products they are famous for. i don’t know about you, but i’m not really comfortable with a bunch of strangers staring at me while i work, packaging dairy products and passing them down a conveyor belt. so we quickly looked around, enjoyed some ice cream and headed for our last stop – the cheese sample line. we grab our toothpicks and start picking up the famous “squeaky cheese” when the lady behind me gasps pointing, “Ugh! SHE just put her used toothpick back in the box of clean toothpicks!” i mumble the response, “well… ummm, i’m not sure which 1 dirty toothpick out of the 300 in the box is hers…” so while she’s still staring at me expecting some kind of crazy reaction, i look at adam, shrug my shoulders and grab about 48 toothpicks of the top of the pile, hoping i got the right “dirty toothpick”. after we continued thru the sample line, and enjoyed our pepper jack samples – plus – the ones the kids didn’t finish, we both burst into laughter. what else can ya do?

not too far into the trip ~ our travel phrase became, “Well. they don’t have a Selah.”

hey, it made us feel better… at least temporarily.

and then the kids’ homesickness kicked in, missing their own beds and space, and the los angeles traffic – which we are pretty sure is the equivalent of time spent in hell – seriously?! a few of the highways had 8 lanes. 8 lanes people!?! and the impatience…, and the kids moving slowly, the length of time it takes to herd kittens, err… i mean, our kids out the door every single day… it takes forever to pack lunches, extra clothes, toys, and books, for whatever adventures awaited us each day…

intertwined in the midst of the stains and pains, were the beautiful gains…

the quality time spent as a family (we spent a lot of time getting along beautifully ;)).

the time without television, video games, and videos on our road trips (although at times we were wishing we would’ve had a video player to minimize some of the car drama)…

the time spent without unnecessary shopping, not going into a target the entire trip (and we love target!), minimal responsibilities and material things to keep track of, less toys to fuss over, wearing the same outfits over and over again…

the time spent hiking, waterfalls, the beach… everything outdoors!

experiencing church in different, unique places ~ the Portland Rose Garden, Crater Lake and the Santa Barbara Mission ~ on the sunday’s we were gone from our beloved home church.

the time with adam’s parents.

the coffee dates, and time to surf and boogie board while the grandparents watched the kids.

special memories our kids have made with their grandparents…

time with adam’s sister, our brother in law, and our neice and nephew.

the squeals of joy when our kids and their cousins embraced each other yet again… after a year apart.

time with my aunt and uncle who had just moved from oklahoma to california the same week we arrived.

visiting some of the area where adam grew up… the old Grananda hotel his grandfather owned… where rooms were once rented for a few dollars a night are now upwards of $400 a night.

time with adam’s aunt and uncle… whom we had not seen in over 12 years, and it was their first time meeting our kids.

the kids running chasing enjoying uncle gilberts farm, the animals and adventures to be had.

and hearing the wonderful family stories our aunts and uncles shared… history lessons of our family tree.

the laughter. the joy. our hearts swelled full of time with our loved ones…

creating memories. priceless moments made. to be held forever in our hearts.

much of our travel time had a stain or pain ~ and ultimately a gain ~ attached… and we are learning this is all part of the reality of hard core traveling as a family: fighting, yelling, frustrations, miscommunication, impatience, difficult conversations, deep work thru some tough emotions…

it’s the reality of the fam~glam(orous) travel lifestyle.
and yea, we’re crazy… we survived our family road trip… and we’ll do it all again…

thank you for reading… as always feel free to comment, share and follow us our half written records. and be sure to visit the blog again soon for my next post about our experience on the second part of our Oregon / California journey when we attended the Vineyard Pastors conference in Anaheim!

In Him, Leslie

crap.

June 18, 2013Leave a comment

this weekend we had a G sale (which is short hand for garage sale).
in case you’re not aware, a garage sale happens when you collect a bunch of crap from inside your home, which you don’t want anymore and you then display this bunch of crap, that you’ve collected over the years, or maybe just accumulated last week, on. your. driveway. which typically protrudes out of your garage. hence the name garage sale.

or sooome fancy people, who really enjoy the company of strangers inside their garage, will host the G sale inside their actual garage. we are not like those people. our crap goes on the driveway. or the lawn if we run out of room on the driveway. or the sidewalk, if we’re desperate. aaaand we have a pretty – long – driveway. so if we have our crap strewn about on the lawn, we must have a lot of crap.

and we do.

every year for the past 8 years we have had a G sale (every year since we’ve had our house).

and every year for the past 8 years i have not wanted to have a G sale.

but the hubs does.

so guess what?

i am outnumbered 1 to 1… and we have ourselves a G sale. [not sure how that math works out]

i know, i know, some of you weirdos reading this lovely post are thinking {YES!} we love garage sales. we look forward to having one every summer! what’s wrong with you, lady?!

well, i don’t enjoy collecting our crap, moving it down the stairs, to then hold onto it for months inside of our garage, and then display it on our driveway. lawn. sidewalk, if desperate.
i. don’t. like. it!!! it stresses me out. it pressures me into deciding which crap to sell and which crap to keep for next years sale. and it brings to the surface, err the driveway, that we have waaaay too much crap.

so my question is – how do we end up with so. much. crap – every year for the past 8 years???

adam and i are staring at each other during the “in-between-customers” lulls of the G sale… and we are wondering… how did we accumulate all this crap?

*these are the ways we accumulate crap*

we buy crap.

we inherit crap.

crap is dumped on us.

we hold onto crap.

and now it’s time to get really spiritual [ready. set. go.]

we think we need it when we see, so we buy it.

we believe if someone is giving it, we must inherit it.

we lose sight of our own value, and allow it to be dumped on us.

and once we have it, it’s often difficult to get rid of it.

as i reflect on our recent G sale, i am glad we had it. yep. i am telling the truth. it was a rough start to the morning, dragging myself out of bed to put price tags on crap i consider unnecessary but surely someone else will want to buy it.

it forced me to deal with the crap i have bought. the crap i have inherited. the crap dumped on me. and the crap i hold onto. both materially and emotionally.

the crap we have in our homes usually has -or had- some value, otherwise we wouldn’t keep it… unless you’re a hoarder. [whole different blog post…]

sometimes i get frustrated with myself for buying so much unneeded crap, which then enters my home, and takes root in a closet somewhere. i forget about it for a while, but it eventually surfaces and needs dealt with.

and sometimes it’s hard to reconcile the reasons for holding onto crap, when really we need to let it go…

some of us simply buy our crap…

we buy into this idea that we need a bunch of material things, many of which serve no purpose or carry any real value. then we get emotionally attached to these material things and all they do it take up space and time. but we don’t have to buy this crap.

some of us inherit crap…

we let both material and emotional crap be passed down to us, through the generations. but we don’t have to inherit this crap.

some of us allow crap to be dumped on us…

we feel guilty if we don’t. we feel trapped into receiving crap, some of which was never meant to be our load to carry. but we can say no before the crap is dumped on us.

some of us simply hold onto the crap…

Matthew 6:19-21

“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal; but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven… for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

it’s been said, “one person’s crap… (junk… stuff… baggage… whatever) is another persons treasure.

every one’s crap is different.

every one’s crap needs to be dealt with, eventually…

every one’s crap can be turned around and used for good.

some for the purpose of making $ big bucks $ in a G sale. good.

and some for the purpose of our growth as human beings. also good.

if it doesn’t have a whole hearted purpose in our home. it’s crap.

so here’s to cleaning out the closets. digging through the drawers. and simplifying our lives… materially and emotionally…

here’s to letting go of the crap and kickin’ it to the curb… or selling it in a G sale.

church ladies

June 11, 20134 Comments

on sunday night, i was having a chat with a few of our church ladies ~ {aka} ladies who attend our church.
we were gabbing and cackling as typical church ladies do, and eventually the conversation landed on my transparency.

well, thank you very much. i do like to speak the truth, and i am happy to accept that label.

my transparency came up when one of the ladies shared a story about running into our family one saturday evening at a restaurant a few years back, where we were having dinner with a few other church peeps. she and another friend were leaving the restaurant, when we started blabbing about about church the next day, and how during the service we were going to have a “renew your vows” ceremony, blah blah blah. it was near valentines day {another reason for this fabulous idea}. then we said, “see you tomorrow at church”, as we always do to anyone we chat with on a saturday night, because we always expect people to show up to church on sunday morning!

it’s what we do! it’s our job! we’re a pastor and his wife for cryin’ out loud! we expect people to show up at church!

but here’s the deal-io…

these church ladies didn’t show up at church the next day. they are single gals… and the last place they wanted to be was at a vow renewal ceremony during the church service. tooootally understandable.

now honestly, i don’t remember them not being at the service… but what i do remember is that adam and i renewed our vows that morning, along with a few other couples, and my outfit was awful!

so on this sunday night, i told the church ladies ~ i don’t remember your not being at church that morning, but i do remember my outfit was really weird. and it was. the skirt was too long. the shirt was too red. and the sweater was all wrong. i was also in the skin of my “two months after having my third baby body”, and not fully comfortable even walking down the aisle to renew my vows. not to mention my husband {aka} awesome pastor of the church, was giving the vow renewal ceremony. sooo… he was standing on the stage, while i was awkwardly standing a few steps below him, for most of the ceremony, surrounded by couples holding sweaty hands, foreheads pressed together, looking deep into one another’s eyes.

sure. it was all very romantic. but my outfit was all wrong.

aaaand… if i still had a picture of what i wore, i would post it smack down on this blog.

but i don’t… i’m fairly sure i threw away the picture.

as i shared this outfit dilemma with the church ladies, they started laughing at me and said, “that’s what i love about you ~ your transparency.”

i just smiled and laughed out loud {ya know, LOL}, as i typically do when i make others laugh. i think comedy is one of my spiritual gifts, because even if no one laughs at my comments, jokes, facial expressions, gestures, or hand signals,… i am perfectly content still believing i am hilarious.
as our conversation(s) went on and on and on, and rabbit trailed all over the place, as any conversation i am involved in will do, we shared more life stories with one another and my heart soared. i was humbled and honored in my quiet of my soul.

these church ladies choose to share their lives with me. they love my transparency.

and if i’m really being transparent… then honestly, you should know most of the time i’m thinking ‘i don’t know what the heck i’m doing as a pastors wife.’ but i know i am called by God to do this. so i keep going.

even on the days i get discouraged, on the days i believe lies from the pit of hell, on the days i allow my brain to be so wrapped up in theological thought knots… i keep going.

when God’s sweet whisper and these church ladies remind me…

we love your transparency.

we serve a God of transparency. He knows all. He searches all. He sees all. He wants all.

He knows me. He searches my heart. He sees right thru me, into my transparency. He wants my transparency.

i want to leave you with Psalm 39 ~ my prayer is for it to encourage you to be transparent. be who God fully created you to be. if you are unsure, ask God and wait for Him to reveal ~ without comparing to anyone around you physically or virtually. walk in the fullness of who God designed and created you. to. be.

as always, feel free to comment on, follow and share this blog! In Him, Leslie 🙂

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

¹You have searched me, Lord,

 and you know me.

²You know when I sit and when I rise;

 you perceive my thoughts from afar.

³You discern my going out and my lying down;

 you are familiar with all my ways.

⁴Before a word is on my tongue

 you, Lord, know it completely.

⁵You hem me in behind and before,

 and you lay your hand upon me.

⁶Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

 too lofty for me to attain.

⁷Where can I go from your Spirit?

 Where can I flee from your presence?

⁸If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

 if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

⁹If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

 if I settle on the far side of the sea,

¹⁰even there your hand will guide me,

 your right hand will hold me fast.

¹¹If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me

 and the light become night around me,”

¹²even the darkness will not be dark to you;

 the night will shine like the day,

 for darkness is as light to you.

¹³For you created my inmost being;

 you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

¹⁴I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

 your works are wonderful,

 I know that full well.

¹⁵My frame was not hidden from you

 when I was made in the secret place,

 when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

¹⁶Your eyes saw my unformed body;

 all the days ordained for me were written in your book

 before one of them came to be.

¹⁷How precious to me are your thoughts, God!

 How vast is the sum of them!

¹⁸Were I to count them,

 they would outnumber the grains of sand—

 when I awake, I am still with you.

¹⁹If only you, God, would slay the wicked!

 Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!

²⁰They speak of you with evil intent;

 your adversaries misuse your name.

²¹Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,

 and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?

²²I have nothing but hatred for them;

 I count them my enemies.

²³Search me, God, and know my heart;

 test me and know my anxious thoughts.

²⁴See if there is any offensive way in me,

 and lead me in the way everlasting.

Half Written Records

Our stories, God stories, Heaven meets earth stories

sometimes we need a pastors conference… and sometimes, we just need to fall apart

insanity.

Surviving our Family Vacation…

crap.

church ladies

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

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Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

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