sometimes we need a pastors conference… and sometimes, we just need to fall apart

a few weeks ago we returned from an epic trip, visiting family and enjoying the pacific northwest.
after surviving our family vacation time, we traveled onto the great state of california to visit more family, and attend the national vineyard pastors conference in anaheim
my heart was full from family time, and my emotions were high with expectation for the conference time awaiting us…  
buuuut… after a trip to the beach, my excitement quickly faded…
and i fell apart…
sometimes moms need to fall apart.
disappointment, frustration, and tiredness had all set in. 
i could feel it growing inside me while we were at the beach. 
i was pissed off while we were at the beach. 
the beach was beautiful, the kids and adam were having a blast, but i was melting down internally.
as we were leaving the beach, i slipped and fell flat. on. my. butt. 
looking back at the scene, it was funny. (and thankfully i can laugh about it now)
but in that moment, i lost it. 
i fell apart. 
i wept from the beach all the way to the pastors conference for nearly 2 hours (while we were driving in heavy los angeles traffic, of course).
the kids were asleep, adam didn’t know what to do with me, or how to help me, and all i could do was weep. 
a pile of kleenex covered my feet on the floor of the car.
i blew my nose so much, my nose ring fell out. 
fall apart. give up. lose control. be selfish. let go.
that’s exactly what i needed to do. 
and in that time of weeping and losing it, i found it… 
God taught me so much thru the hot tears streaming down my cheeks… 
the words i managed to choke out in between sobs, so adam would know i was going to be okay.
i needed the freedom to cry.
and thru those tears, i began to see again.
they washed away my frustration, disappointment and anger.
when the tears subsided, my face was red and swollen, but i could see again. 
they washed away my human expectation and i could see with God’s vision. 
ironic ~ we were on our way to a pastors conference that we had planned for and dreamed about, and all i could do was weep. 
pastors give so much of themselves day in and day out… and the hope was to be poured into at the conference. 
our expectations were so high, they were bound to be disappointed. 






moms often feel that have to keep it all together ~ for the kids, for their spouse, for the sake of the family. 
and pastors carry that same burden ~ for their congregation, for their leaders, for the sake of the church.
but sometimes, we all need to fall apart…

Selah having one of her many meltdowns…



and do note the sign in the background referring to the kids still in the children’s ministry,
“please pick up your children [pretty please with sugar on top]”
isn’t it ironic? 😉 


the pastors conference was tough for our family. 
the kids were homesick. 
the girls wouldn’t go into their classes.
selah threw many a temper tantrum. 
the schedule was busy and time ran thin. 
it was difficult to glean from the conference, while balancing the needs of our family.
but God.
He is so good. 
He taught me so much thru my kids that week…
He showed me so much thru the ‘random’ people we talked with…
He poured into us in ways we never expected.
in our weakness, God is strongest.
in our frailty, God shows His power.
in our disappointments, God reveals His plans.
in our weeping, we let go so God can work.
sometimes we need to attend a pastors conference…
and sometimes, we just need to fall apart.

Thank you for reading~feel free to comment, share and follow us on halfwritten records.
In Him, Leslie 🙂

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