Category: family

sometimes we need a pastors conference… and sometimes, we just need to fall apart

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a few weeks ago we returned from an epic trip, visiting family and enjoying the pacific northwest.
after surviving our family vacation time, we traveled onto the great state of california to visit more family, and attend the national vineyard pastors conference in anaheim. 
my heart was full from family time, and my emotions were high with expectation for the conference time awaiting us…  
buuuut… after a trip to the beach, my excitement quickly faded…
and i fell apart…
sometimes moms need to fall apart.
disappointment, frustration, and tiredness had all set in. 
i could feel it growing inside me while we were at the beach. 
i was pissed off while we were at the beach. 
the beach was beautiful, the kids and adam were having a blast, but i was melting down internally.
as we were leaving the beach, i slipped and fell flat. on. my. butt. 
looking back at the scene, it was funny. (and thankfully i can laugh about it now)
but in that moment, i lost it. 
i fell apart. 
i wept from the beach all the way to the pastors conference for nearly 2 hours (while we were driving in heavy los angeles traffic, of course).
the kids were asleep, adam didn’t know what to do with me, or how to help me, and all i could do was weep. 
a pile of kleenex covered my feet on the floor of the car.
i blew my nose so much, my nose ring fell out. 
fall apart. give up. lose control. be selfish. let go.
that’s exactly what i needed to do. 
and in that time of weeping and losing it, i found it… 
God taught me so much thru the hot tears streaming down my cheeks… 
the words i managed to choke out in between sobs, so adam would know i was going to be okay.
i needed the freedom to cry.
and thru those tears, i began to see again.
they washed away my frustration, disappointment and anger.
when the tears subsided, my face was red and swollen, but i could see again. 
they washed away my human expectation and i could see with God’s vision. 
ironic ~ we were on our way to a pastors conference that we had planned for and dreamed about, and all i could do was weep. 
pastors give so much of themselves day in and day out… and the hope was to be poured into at the conference. 
our expectations were so high, they were bound to be disappointed. 






moms often feel that have to keep it all together ~ for the kids, for their spouse, for the sake of the family. 
and pastors carry that same burden ~ for their congregation, for their leaders, for the sake of the church.
but sometimes, we all need to fall apart…

Selah having one of her many meltdowns…



and do note the sign in the background referring to the kids still in the children’s ministry,
“please pick up your children [pretty please with sugar on top]”
isn’t it ironic? 😉 


the pastors conference was tough for our family. 
the kids were homesick. 
the girls wouldn’t go into their classes.
selah threw many a temper tantrum. 
the schedule was busy and time ran thin. 
it was difficult to glean from the conference, while balancing the needs of our family.
but God.
He is so good. 
He taught me so much thru my kids that week…
He showed me so much thru the ‘random’ people we talked with…
He poured into us in ways we never expected.
in our weakness, God is strongest.
in our frailty, God shows His power.
in our disappointments, God reveals His plans.
in our weeping, we let go so God can work.
sometimes we need to attend a pastors conference…
and sometimes, we just need to fall apart.

Thank you for reading~feel free to comment, share and follow us on halfwritten records.
In Him, Leslie 🙂

Surviving our Family Vacation…

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whew. 
my family is just coming off the highs [and lows] of an epic trip – 26 days and 6,000+ miles of travel by 5 airplanes, 2 rental cars and 5 places we stayed, throughout Oregon and California.
we’ve been back almost 2 weeks, and I am still. tired.
seriously, I was so tired.
we were constantly on the go – seeing so many people, places and things.

it. was. awesome.
seriously, it was so awesome.
all the time we spent with people, places we went to, and things we did were awesome. 

…and these are our stories of the stains, pains and gains of traveling across the country for 26 days.

travel is super fun. but it is also super hard… especially when traveling with 3 small kids.
it is taking your work with you 24/7. it is never getting a break. or downtime. it’s wiping butts elsewhere. it’s time out elsewhere. it’s losing count of how many times you turn around and say “stop fighting! keep your hands to yourselves! quit bothering your sister!” it’s not being able to separate the 3 bickering kids squished into a Toyota Camry rental car when they are used to slightly more space (at home) in the luxury of your own ’97 Honda Odyssey. it’s gritting your teeth and clenching your toes b/c your trying to force your 3 1/2 year old on the toilet and scaring her with your demon angry mom face without everyone in Powell’s bookstore hearing you yell underneath your breath at her to “GO POTTY!”…
as one friend coined the phrase: it’s parenting elsewhere.

it’s finding a tick on selah’s head during our picnic at the beach, smelling oil in the ocean as each wave brings a new whiff of the lovely odor, looking into the vast distance of the ocean, only for the view to be halted by the oil rigs doing their ‘job’. discovering the oil stains on their swim suits and bodies after we’ve spent hours playing in the water unaware of the results. the beach trips were some our favorite days, but there was always a little something to remind us nothing is perfect… even on the beach days that were close to perfect… like hearing them whine ~ “i wish the beach didn’t have so much sand! or “i wish the sand was grass!” really?! these kids.

it’s sneaking into the historical Santa Barbara Mission church service, feeling guilty about limbo-ing underneath the rope with a “service closed” sign attached. [well, soleil and i felt guilty… because we try and follow rules] so after a brief argument, we nonchalantly whistled our way under the rope. oh, and Adam walked right in and joined the communion line, no sweat. the usher telling him, “I’d never tell anyone they can’t take communion.” good job usher – you just affirmed my husband breaking all the rules. the Mission was built in 1786 and has been around a while, so i’m sure we’re not the first ones to have “broken in”.

then there’s selah yelling all the way up the hike to Multnomah falls, and all the other tourists giving me their pity – or ‘you’re a terrible mother’ – glances along the way. well, at least she smiled for the family picture. but only after i bribed her into doing so with the promise of ice cream. then there was our visit to Tillamook cheese factory where you can view the workers processing and packaging the cheese and other dairy products they are famous for. i don’t know about you, but i’m not really comfortable with a bunch of strangers staring at me while i work, packaging dairy products and passing them down a conveyor belt. so we quickly looked around, enjoyed some ice cream and headed for our last stop – the cheese sample line. we grab our toothpicks and start picking up the famous “squeaky cheese” when the lady behind me gasps pointing, “Ugh! SHE just put her used toothpick back in the box of clean toothpicks!” i mumble the response, “well… ummm, i’m not sure which 1 dirty toothpick out of the 300 in the box is hers…” so while she’s still staring at me expecting some kind of crazy reaction, i look at adam, shrug my shoulders and grab about 48 toothpicks of the top of the pile, hoping i got the right “dirty toothpick”. after we continued thru the sample line, and enjoyed our pepper jack samples – plus – the ones the kids didn’t finish, we both burst into laughter. what else can ya do?

not too far into the trip ~ our travel phrase became, “Well. they don’t have a Selah.” 

hey, it made us feel better… at least temporarily.

and then the kids’ homesickness kicked in, missing their own beds and space, and the los angeles traffic – which we are pretty sure is the equivalent of time spent in hell – seriously?! a few of the highways had 8 lanes. 8 lanes people!?! and the impatience…, and the kids moving slowly, the length of time it takes to herd kittens, err… i mean, our kids out the door every single day… it takes forever to pack lunches, extra clothes, toys, and books, for whatever adventures awaited us each day…

intertwined in the midst of the stains and pains, were the beautiful gains… 
the quality time spent as a family (we spent a lot of time getting along beautifully ;)). 
the time without television, video games, and videos on our road trips (although at times we were wishing we would’ve had a video player to minimize some of the car drama)…
the time spent without unnecessary shopping, not going into a target the entire trip (and we love target!), minimal responsibilities and material things to keep track of, less toys to fuss over, wearing the same outfits over and over again…  
the time spent hiking, waterfalls, the beach… everything outdoors!
experiencing church in different, unique places ~ the Portland Rose Garden, Crater Lake and the Santa Barbara Mission ~ on the sunday’s we were gone from our beloved home church. 
the time with adam’s parents. 
the coffee dates, and time to surf and boogie board while the grandparents watched the kids.
special memories our kids have made with their grandparents…
time with adam’s sister, our brother in law, and our neice and nephew. 
the squeals of joy when our kids and their cousins embraced each other yet again… after a year apart.
time with my aunt and uncle who had just moved from oklahoma to california the same week we arrived. 
visiting some of the area where adam grew up… the old Grananda hotel his grandfather owned… where rooms were once rented for a few dollars a night are now upwards of $400 a night.
time with adam’s aunt and uncle… whom we had not seen in over 12 years, and it was their first time meeting our kids. 
the kids running chasing enjoying uncle gilberts farm, the animals and adventures to be had.  
and hearing the wonderful family stories our aunts and uncles shared… history lessons of our family tree.
the laughter. the joy. our hearts swelled full of time with our loved ones… 
creating memories. priceless moments made. to be held forever in our hearts.

much of our travel time had a stain or pain ~ and ultimately a gain ~ attached… and we are learning this is all part of the reality of hard core traveling as a family: fighting, yelling, frustrations, miscommunication, impatience, difficult conversations, deep work thru some tough emotions…

it’s the reality of the fam~glam(orous) travel lifestyle.
and yea, we’re crazy… we survived our family road trip… and we’ll do it all again…

thank you for reading… as always feel free to comment, share and follow us our half written records. and be sure to visit the blog again soon for my next post about our experience on the second part of our Oregon / California journey when we attended the Vineyard Pastors conference in Anaheim!

In Him, Leslie

crap.

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this weekend we had a G sale (which is short hand for garage sale).
in case you’re not aware, a garage sale happens when you collect a bunch of crap from inside your home, which you don’t want anymore and you then display this bunch of crap, that you’ve collected over the years, or maybe just accumulated last week, on. your. driveway. which typically protrudes out of your garage. hence the name garage sale. 

or sooome fancy people, who really enjoy the company of strangers inside their garage, will host the G sale inside their actual garage. we are not like those people.  our crap goes on the driveway. or the lawn if we run out of room on the driveway. or the sidewalk, if we’re desperate. aaaand we have a pretty – long – driveway. so if we have our crap strewn about on the lawn, we must have a lot of crap.

and we do.

every year for the past 8 years we have had a G sale (every year since we’ve had our house).

and every year for the past 8 years i have not wanted to have a G sale.

but the hubs does.

so guess what?

i am outnumbered 1 to 1… and we have ourselves a G sale. [not sure how that math works out]

i know, i know, some of you weirdos reading this lovely post are thinking {YES!} we love garage sales. we look forward to having one every summer! what’s wrong with you, lady?!

well, i don’t enjoy collecting our crap, moving it down the stairs, to then hold onto it for months inside of our garage, and then display it on our driveway. lawn. sidewalk, if desperate.
i. don’t. like. it!!! it stresses me out. it pressures me into deciding which crap to sell and which crap to keep for next years sale. and it brings to the surface, err the driveway, that we have waaaay too much crap.

so my question is – how do we end up with so. much. crap – every year for the past 8 years???

adam and i are staring at each other during the “in-between-customers” lulls of the G sale… and we are wondering… how did we accumulate all this crap?

*these are the ways we accumulate crap*
we buy crap.
we inherit crap.
crap is dumped on us.
we hold onto crap. 

and now it’s time to get really spiritual [ready. set. go.] 

we think we need it when we see, so we buy it. 
we believe if someone is giving it, we must inherit it.
we lose sight of our own value, and allow it to be dumped on us.
and once we have it, it’s often difficult to get rid of it. 
as i reflect on our recent G sale, i am glad we had it. yep. i am telling the truth. it was a rough start to the morning, dragging myself out of bed to put price tags on crap i consider unnecessary but surely someone else will want to buy it. 
it forced me to deal with the crap i have bought. the crap i have inherited. the crap dumped on me. and the crap i hold onto. both materially and emotionally. 

the crap we have in our homes usually has -or had- some value, otherwise we wouldn’t keep it… unless you’re a hoarder. [whole different blog post…]
sometimes i get frustrated with myself for buying so much unneeded crap, which then enters my home, and takes root in a closet somewhere. i forget about it for a while, but it eventually surfaces and needs dealt with. 
and sometimes it’s hard to reconcile the reasons for holding onto crap, when really we need to let it go…  
some of us simply buy our crap…
we buy into this idea that we need a bunch of material things, many of which serve no purpose or carry any real value. then we get emotionally attached to these material things and all they do it take up space and time. but we don’t have to buy this crap. 
some of us inherit crap…
we let both material and emotional crap be passed down to us, through the generations. but we don’t have to inherit this crap. 
some of us allow crap to be dumped on us…
we feel guilty if we don’t. we feel trapped into receiving crap, some of which was never meant to be our load to carry. but we can say no before the crap is dumped on us. 
some of us simply hold onto the crap…
Matthew 6:19-21
“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal; but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven… for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

it’s been said, “one person’s crap… (junk… stuff… baggage… whatever) is another persons treasure. 


every one’s crap is different. 
every one’s crap needs to be dealt with, eventually… 
every one’s crap can be turned around and used for good. 
some for the purpose of making $ big bucks $ in a G sale. good. 
and some for the purpose of our growth as human beings. also good.
if it doesn’t have a whole hearted purpose in our home. it’s crap. 
so here’s to cleaning out the closets. digging through the drawers. and simplifying our lives… materially and emotionally…
here’s to letting go of the crap and kickin’ it to the curb… or selling it in a G sale.



 

the office.

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tonight we said good-bye to a dear friend of ours…
the office.
we laughed. we cried. we reminisced.
and after everything we’ve shared together on thursday nights over the last 9 seasons, we took a good long hard look at where we’ve been… and where we’ll be…

after watching the series ending of this beloved t.v. show, i am reflecting…
on how much i related to those characters and what happened in their lives…
and how much i want a documentary of my own life to look back on…

a few episodes ago, i really resonated with Erin’s character flipping out when she lost the paper airplane contest in the downstairs warehouse.
she tried keeping her temper in check so her boyfriend Pete wouldn’t see that side of her.
and eventually, she breaks down, freaks out about losing and kicks the crap out of a box.
i’ve done that before.

i resonated with Jim & Pam and their fairytale love story.
their friendship, their love for one another, their family, career decisions and everything else.
i know we are blessed to have a great romance ~ thankfully it didn’t take us four years to figure it out.

i resonated with Andy and his dreams of “what was and what will be”…
he was always looking at what he didn’t have and what he missed from his past.
he lived outside of his present reality much of the time in a world of dreams. hopes. pining for the past and planning for future goals.
all great things.
buuut… sometimes i can get caught up in that ‘i miss such and such and so and so’
aaand…. ‘i wonder such and such about the future’…
i end up neglecting what’s in the present. and i don’t appreciate what i do have. 

my favorite line from this last episode was Andy saying, “i wish you could know you were in the good ol’ days, before you left them…” 
amen Andy. me too.

i want to appreciate the past for what it was and enjoy the present for what it is.
i write, i journal, i take pictures and i tell stories to remember.
i want to remember the last 9 years and more to see how we’ve grown and how much we have to be thankful for.
i don’t have a documentary of the last 9 years of our lives… but 9 years ago everything changed.
soleil was born. we became parents.
with writing, journaling, taking pictures and telling the stories ~ i can remember.
i can enjoy the memories and the present moments simultaneously.
and you. can. too.

thank you ‘office’ for reminding me.

*please feel free to share, comment and follow this blog! thank you for reading 🙂
in Him, Leslie

coffee thoughts.

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the other day salem announces – “if i had three hands, i could play even more video games!”
this was clue number 341 alerting us salem might – just might – be addicted to video games.
aaaand he’s only 6 years old.
intervention needed immediately.


“mommy, can we watch something?”
“mommy, when can we watch something?”
“mommy, can we pick something to watch?”
“mommy, can we each pick something to watch today?”

“whhhaaaatttt??? stop asking me about watching t.v.!”

later that day, after several rounds of not-so-great behavior and over-reactions… i calmly said angrily yelled – we are not watching t.v. or playing any video games tomorrow!

kids (thinking) – what?!? 
did mom just say what i thought she said? 
yep. she said it. 
mom (simultaneously thinking) – why, why, why, why, why – did i do this to myself???
usually, it’s better for mom to have the t.v. on… the kids are sucked in and not fighting or whining.
but isn’t that the wrong approach?
[and no, i’m not against t.v. or video games, all together]
…

so the kids made it through the next day without playing any video games or having the television on… with two exceptions: a half hour episode of martha speaks in the a.m. and charlie brown in the p.m.
now before you give me a pat on the back and a hefty congratulations for being a mom that sets and keeps firm boundaries, i found out after they came home from school, each of them watched a cartoon in their respective classes. i guess because it was friday, movie day at school? i don’t know…
…
what i do know is this:
salem thinks about video games a lot of the time.
selah thinks about dora and diego.
and soleil thinks about barbie movies… or her new favorite show on netflix – d.c. cupcakes.
…
i don’t know about the rest of you, but i have coffee thoughts most of the time…
and adam does too.
this makes for great fun in our life and chit chat.
i am the one responsible for adams addiction to coffee.
he never knew good coffee until he started drinking with me.
he rarely drank coffee at all until knowing me.
i am so proud.
most of the time, when we are planning when and where to go somewhere, the first part of our planning process is – when and where will we have our coffee?

coffee is an integral part of our everyday life.
we look forward to our coffee everyday.
and this begs the question – does God really care about our $4 mocha?
yes. to a point.
we love coffee, but we don’t think about it more than God and His desires.
* we love coffee * but we can live without it.
…
what do you spend your time thinking of?
our thought patterns begin at a young age.
right now, our kids spend much of their time thinking of t.v., movies and video games…
but we know they can live without these things.
recently, we have had more days with less t.v. and video games swirling in the background.
this has been refreshing and wonderful.
there has been less sibling conflict.
there has been more communication.
and creativity and laughter have flourished.
…
our minds can be filled up all day long with whatever silliness, seriousness, selfishness, shallowness, or  simplicity.
my greatest desire is to fill my mind, my heart and my body with God’s Word and Worship…
after my first cup of coffee, preferably 😉
…
What do you desire to fill up with?

*thank you for reading 🙂 feel free to share and follow our blog! as always… these half written records are to be continued…
In Him, Leslie