Category: Truth

i don’t wanna to be a mom anymore…

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at times, it hits me…
i don’t wanna be a mom anymore.
i’m weary, discouraged and tired of the stress that envelopes the calling of parenting.

hmmm, this might be kinda hard news to break to my 3 kids and husband…

so, i’m stuck with being mom. 

do i really have a choice, anyway?

well, yes.
one day i can decide i don’t wanna be a mom anymore and walk out, leaving my kids and husband, to live MY life, right?
yes.
or… i can decide i am going to choose joy in being a mom and keep choosing joy in the midst of the stress, discouragement and disappointment.
YES!

today i am writing this from a place of healing and the reality of how i feel at times.
there are days, sometimes weeks and months when the stress of parenting, along with other stress in life becomes overwhelming. 
even menial tasks seem like a mountain to be conquered…
making their meals, doing the dishes, doing the laundry, brushing their teeth, giving them baths and caring for my kids proves difficult. 
i begin to think it would be easier to just lay in bed all day…
i long for their 8pm bedtime, and it’s only 5:30pm… 
sure, there are those days…
if i am honest, those times suck.. but thankfully they don’t last forever. 
thankfully, i can honestly say i am grateful to be a mom and my kids bring me great joy!

we are a creation living within a world of choice.
we have a choice what to think about with our minds.
we have a choice what to do with our bodies.
we have a choice how to feel with our hearts.
we have a choice how to believe with our souls.
everyday we have choice, and everyday our kids have a choice.
we can guide our children to make good choices.
we can give consequences for their not so great choices.
we can guide, but can’t control every single one of our kids actions and reactions, anymore than God can control our actions and reactions.
we can choose to nurture our children and teach them in the ways of the Lord.

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord… Fathers {and mothers}, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
{Ephesians 6:1-4}






i have complained to the Lord of my anger and shared with Him my woes.
i have cried for relief from the hurt and pain that children can cause their parents. 
i have repented for the hurt i can cause my children.
i have sought the Lord for His wisdom on every aspect of parenting.
i have been honest with the Lord from the depths of my soul. 




God can handle our wide range of emotions and the depths of our transparency.

honesty with God brings healing and refuels our hope.  


although it is not always easy, i choose…
joy in the midst of parenting stress and life mess.
to remain grounded in God’s Word, hearing His truth for my life and for the lives of our 3 children.
to mourn disappointment and discouragement and loss.
to let go of my anger and frustrations.
to let go of bitterness and resentment.
to be thankful in all circumstances.
to pray over our children and love the heck out of them, even in the face of their disobedience.
for my patience to outweigh their impatience.
thankfully, God patiently loves the heck out of me in my disobedience!
and let’s face it – as parents – we don’t know what the heck we are doing most of the time anyway.

i choose God. 
i choose Worship and Praise.
i choose surrender.
i choose His ways not my ways. 
i choose to trust when i don’t understand…
and i choose to never. give. up. hope.

maybe you have felt this way? whether the situation be about your children, your job, your relationships, or anything else, what do you choose? please feel free to share! 

In Him, Leslie 

attack of the Easter Bunny… and the enemy

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so, the Easter Bunny just attacked our town a few days ago… what now?
colored eggs, unfound, cracked, left in fields, waiting to decay…

Easter Sunday at our church we had ‘no eggs. no bunny. just Jesus.’ 
we also have ‘no budget.’
we are a frugal church, with little excess finances for plastic eggs filled with candy and promises of tooth decay…
however, we did have four amazing services over the weekend, between our two campuses on the east side of Columbus.
we worshipped Jesus and celebrated His death and resurrection.
humbled by His great love, many lives were changed forever by His great name!
what else can we ask for?

to win the battle… against the attacks of our enemy, satan… our adversary… err, the devil. or the slithering snake, or fallen angel… whatever you want to call him. i usually don’t have very nice names for him.

about this time every year, we freak out.
it usually begins in January… and worsens as Easter Sunday approaches…
our stress increases, our blood pressure rises, fighting festers, the dread of tax season looms, sickness abounds, winter lingers… and the cloudy days drag on and on and on and on and on… 
and to top it all off, we have attacks from the enemy.
and we battle. 
worship increases. prayer increases. aaand… my spiritual dreams increase.
i have had several spiritual dreams since we began working in the ministry. i have heard from God in many ways ~ thru His word, His voice and His people. aaand… thru spiritual dreams. at the risk of sounding like a crazy person… you can just count me in as a lune for Jesus. i am obsessed with Him. there is nothing else i want more.

early last week, i had a dream where in the ‘first scene’ i was observing people in a large crowd. and three people stood out to me. two men and one woman. one of the two men was bullying a few people. and the woman was dressed in rags. i made note of it, but didn’t think much else. in the ‘second scene’, i was in an office building. it was a shared space between the office workers and a ministry. i was standing in line next to the break room, waiting to get coffee {of course.} and the woman (who i had seen previously dressed in rags) was accusing me of thinking she was a homeless person. this woman, was now dressed in office attire, and we were arguing about her assumption of me. i was growing angry from her accusations and defending myself and the truth of what i was thinking. in the meantime, i see one of the two men bullying one of the ministry workers. he was poking at the ministry worker with a long pointer stick, saying, ‘you don’t have a right to be here and have use of this building, etc…’. i grew more angry, and with boldness grabbed the stick from the man and threw it into the break room above the refrigerator. as i threw his stick, i was yelling at the man to stop it and leave the ministry worker alone. then i started to leave the room, and as i was walking out i said to the man, ‘i know you’re going to try and get me back for stopping you, and you can come after me, but i don’t care because i have Jesus Christ, and He is everything that i need!’ 

at that very moment, i woke up. my heart was beating fast and i knew it was a spiritual dream, and that i had just been in battle. next to me, our youngest daughter was in our bed. she had fallen the day before and busted her lip, so she crawled in our bed pretty early that night, since she wasn’t sleeping well from the pain. a few minutes after i woke up, i heard her say, “we love you” in her sleep. i don’t know if she had been dreaming and was talking to Jesus, but i like to think that she was 🙂

it is difficult to put into words all of the battles we endure <yes, even from me – a big talker – an external processor – who is rarely without words>
one common battle is sickness.
this winter, we have endured so much sickness as a family. we have dealt with sickness more than i would like to remember. our three kids have been sick so much, they have missed nearly too much school. i have been sick more than any other season in my life. and adam [who rarely ever gets sick] was sick. a lot.
although we always knew there was a light at the ‘end of the tunnel’… we grew weary, discouraged and drained with all of the sickness swirling around our household.

we changed our diet for a while – we became *temporarily vegan*. we ate a lot of canned beans. we cut out most of our dairy. it was rough. i mostly failed at the task. during one of our *becoming vegan* conversations, adam said he had been researching canned beans and found that there was BPA on the cans. my response, “oh. my. shit.” sorry for the explicative, but it is what i said. so we changed our diet back to being carnivores. not much changed. i am not shaky anymore from a lack of protein, but we still got sick.
i attacked the germs head on with vinegar and a rag. i disinfected every corner of the house. and even though sickness returned, i still stand by my all natural cleaners. all the other stuff gives me a headache. even when i pass the cleaning aisle at target, i get a headache and sick to my stomach.
and in the midst of these periods of sickness, other things were happening.
i really hate to give the enemy of our souls too much credit, but we were in the midst of a spiritual battle.
Jesus battled the enemy in Matthew 4, and in 1 Peter 5:8, we are warned to beware of the enemy.

the Saturday night before Easter Sunday, our youngest became ill with a fever, projectile vomiting and diarrhea. we had just been at the park playing together, ran an errand, went to eat dinner and suddenly she became sick. again… and the night before our Easter services, no less… hmmm…

so we battled. we worshipped prayed and cleaned up the mess. we moved forward in hopes that she would become miraculously better overnight. and she did. praise God.

our hunger for God will not been satisfied, and our desire to experience His presence will not wane.
two verses that have been continuously impressed upon my heart recently are Jeremiah 29:13 and Deuteronomy 4:29… “you will seek Me and find Me, when you seek Me with all of your heart.”

the more we seek the Lord, hunger after Him, desire to walk in His ways, know Him better, worship Him more intimately, love Him more deeply, become obsessed with Him… we will find Him! what an amazing promise to stand on!!!

there is no greater joy than serving Jesus. and as we pursue Him, it is pretty much a guarantee that we will deal with spiritual battles throughout our walk with Him. we know He is with us in the battle that rages around us. He is leading us. He is fighting for us. He is our calm in the midst of the storm. He is our shelter at all times.

the Bible is full of stories and verses that speak to us about His presence with us in the battles we face. I am so grateful for a God who loves me so much, and has a personal relationship with me, and speaks to me thru His word, His voice, His people, and thru dreams…

there are so many more stories i could tell of battles and dreams and hearing God’s voice… but for now, i will leave you with this verse…
“So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” amen. 

In Him, Leslie

counting sheep.

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Easter is coming up here soon. in one week and one day to be exact. 
Easter is one of the two Sunday’s when many people visit churches as ECC’s – “Easter & Christmas Churchgoers”, or so the stats say… 
sooo… many of the churches ’round here -in Picktizzytown– are pulling out all the stops and prepping for a full house, lights-camera-action, hit one outta the park, bangin’ Sunday service! 
including advertising additional service times and easter eggs falling from the sky…sorta like “Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs” minus the scientist making it happen, but – and of course there is a but – including the news coverage and expecting a large crowd response / uh-hem turnout. 
and we are pulling out the cross. 
and the ‘stations of the cross‘. 
and having a 7a.m. sunrise service. *bonus*.
dang. this chick is sure being critical of the churches in her town…
perhaps it sounds that way, and i will tell you why. 
[they deserve it] 
ha ha. no – for realz…
it’s not that an extra church services or easter egg hunt [with an unprecedented number of eggs] on land are wrong, or a shower of easter eggs falling from the sky is un-biblical… 

you see, eight years ago we began serving in our church as the youth and associate pastor, and me {his awesome wife} as one of the worship leaders.

fast forward a few years and adam became the senior pastor… and shortly afterwards, we became sheep counters. 
we settled into this really bad habit of counting sheep.

not the before you go to bed kind of counting sheep. 
rather, counting the number of sheep in our field -the sheep we were shepherding- the number of sheep in our church kind of sheep. 
and all of sudden we found ourselves competing with the church down the street.
‘i bet such and such church has more people than we do because they have bigger programs and a better parking lot and cooler signs and a hip website and a larger sanctuary and a formal sound system and tastier coffee [well, this one is most likely true] and blah blah blah…’ the list could go on and on.
and… ‘maybe so and so who just left our church now goes to such and such church down the street’. 
ugh. 
you can see this ‘lil bad habit of counting sheep was exhausting the Shepherds… not numerically… but spiritually. 
and we noticed something – this was a sneaky habit – a lie from the enemy, dripping with distraction.
and this was a distraction which focused our hearts more on pleasing man than God.
ugh. and ugly.
many of the regular attenders in our church don’t attend every. single. sunday.
life happens and it’s nearly impossible to have perfect church attendance.
and many of the regular attenders in our church are reading this blog and wondering, ‘is she talkin’ ’bout me?!’ 
please, no worries.
and some, who were regular attenders for a long time, no longer attend. 
again, no worries.
so we counted our sheep, wondering why they did not attend more often, and where did some of them go?
and we would plague ourselves with questions and counting… 
perhaps they grew tired of hearing Adam’s sermons or were irritated with the way I led worship one Sunday, or the songs I chose, or the way I parted my hair that day… or perhaps they were hurt by us, or someone else in our congregation… or perhaps we don’t know why. and this is okay.

does this mean once you visit our church you have to commit to a certain number of years together and sign up to attend all the events, drink the coffee and eat the donuts? no. 
does this mean the people who have left our church are going to hell? hell no!
since our churches birth in the year 2000, many people have entered our creaky glass doors, slobber-stained from our three year olds lips…some have stayed a while, some for a short time and some have walked out those glass doors, never to return again.
…
so if you’re there… we will hopefully notice. and if you’re not there, we will probably notice.
does this make us a horrible pastor / awesome pastors wife combo? no… but it certainly makes us human. 
…
graciously, the Lord turned our hearts affection back to Him alone.
we no longer count our sheep in competition with the church down the street.  
we know who we are called to be as a church and our identity is fully in the Lord Jesus ~ the True Shepherd.
we are counting our sheep because we care for them within our calling to Shepherd them.
…
the grass is not always greener on the other side. 
you have to beg the question ‘where [to which church] are you called?’
you have to listen to the answer with the intent to obey.
it is a continual commitment to consciously commit to Christ. 
and it takes a continual commitment to consciously commit to a church. 
it takes work to get your ass to any church, peeps. and believe you-me, i understand. on the off Sundays when i am not leading worship, i usually stroll in about 10:05am… a little late and a lot irritated with myself for being late. i have no excuse. sure, i have to motivate three small kids to get their rears in gear and get out the door and around the corner for our two-minute commute to church. oh, did i mention we live 1/8 of a mile from our church? and yes, some days we are still late. sad but true.
if you profess to be a follower of Christ, He is calling you to commitment. 
He calls us to commitment to Himself and to His bride ~ the church body. 
our walk with Him is a narrow road, filled with joy and pain, rejection and love, persecution and gain.
it is not so easy, but it is so rewarding.  
…
we want new sheep, not sheep from another field. 
we want committed sheep, not those accustomed to changing fields. 
we want sheep who will know the Shepherds voice. JESUS. 
we want humble sheep who will are willing to be led. 
we want hungry sheep who are called to graze with us.
we desire to see lives changed, new disciples committed to Christ Jesus and His church.
we hope if God has called you to a church, you will commit there and won’t hop around.
we pray you will hear the voice of the Lord and *know* His voice.
we look to see what the Father is already doing and join Him in that work. 
we are hungry for God’s word and want to grow and learn with those who called to our church {field}.
…
there are so many great churches in our town… and there are still so many seats in all of these churches yet to be filled ~ with people yet to hear about Jesus, and know that He loves them and to be committed to a church. 
so, we will not compete. we will commit. 
we will be true to who we are, as a fully human prone-to-mistakes pastor and his fully human {and awesome, also prone-to-mistakes} wife. 
we will pray for and shepherd those people God calls into our church.
we will stay true to who God has called Eastside Vineyard Church to be. 
and we will not have easter eggs falling from the sky. sorry. 
well. not really 😉  
In Him, Leslie 
*please note, this blog is not all-encompassing. nor i am addressing all of the circumstances for every “should i stay or should i go?” from my current church situation. it’s just a piece of our lives in ministry, so far…half written.

hahahahaha

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february was a rough month for us…
wrapped up in our family and life circumstances, stress abounded, fighting resounded and weaved into all of the frustration, i have not stopped coughing like gollum.
…
nothing unusual.
nothing earth shattering.
just life.
tough circumstances visit everyone on this planet. stress makes itself at home in our houses. disappointments knock on our doors. frustrations take root in our backyards. no one is immune.
we all view what makes up stress, frustrations, disappointments and tough circumstances differently.
we see from the lens of the life we live. our perspective.
how we choose to react is what makes us unique.
…
we have chosen to wallow in our self pity. we have allowed it to suck our life away, steal our joy and frustrate our spirits…but not for long!

in the past month of coughing like gollum, i’ve been talking about being sick and how i wish i was feeling better and woa is me and blah blah blah. and it hate talking about sickness. and adam hates listening to me talk about it .
one night i could not stop coughing, adam was laughing at me and suggested i try laughing when i felt a cough coming. and it worked. HA! each time i felt the need to cough, i would yell HA instead. yep. i sounded crazy, but i didn’t cough the rest of that evening. for that one night, i was cough free. if you have a lingering cough, you should try it sometime. my joy returned.

in the past month, selah has been refusing to go into her children’s ministry class. this may sound like no big deal for some…*but for a pastor and his wife leading worship, it can be a big deal to have their three year old sitting contentedly thru a church service for approximately 100 minutes.  
this past sunday, she was unusually feisty, refusing to go into class. she laid in the hallway while every one else, including our children’s director, walked around her. no one was shocked by her antics.
i had to leave her there to begin the service with worship. my stress rose up and my attitude went downhill. adam went to check on selah as we began service almost ten minutes late. during that first song, my heart began to change. i see adam bringing selah into the sanctuary. my frustration with her was gone. she wanted to be with us and in worship. my joy restored.
then during adams sermon, she sat with me, quiet… until she hit a point of boredom. i was ready to take her out of the service… she yells out ‘i’m tired!’ and in the middle of his sermon, adam responds to her, “i’m tired of you crying.” it was hilarious. we all started laughing. she quieted down a few minutes later and fell asleep beside me for the rest of the service. whew.

our kids argue and fight, which i know might be hard for you to believe. yes. they do. they are not ‘perfect pastors kids’. those don’t even exist, btw. and when they do, my emotions can snowball into getting upset right along with them. but those times when i am full of joy, i respond differently. i start laughing, which immediately makes the tension lighter. they look at me for my response… “just take it outside, go ahead, beat each other up.” then they look at me like i’m crazy because they know i’m not being serious. suddenly, whatever was frustrating them melts away.  sometimes, we make them hug it out as their punishment. and other times, if i sense attitudes rising, i just smile and say “you betta check yo’ self!” that’s always a good one 😉 oh and we adults are not exempt. a pastor and his wife can argue too. we get so upset with each other over the silliest things. thankfully, we insist on always communicating and won’t stay mad at one another for long. laughter breaks up the arguments. joy replaces the anger.

these are just a few life circumstances we try and eventually laugh about. they seem trivial after we ‘check ourselves’. they aren’t life or death situations or anything… but we have experienced deep pain and chosen joy. we have lost our jobs, struggled thru deep disappointments, felt wounding rejection in relationships, experienced the loss of a child thru miscarriage, and just a few weeks ago, we said our earthly goodbyes to my grandpa.

we chose joy when we almost lost salem at three months old. that night he was sleeping in his crib and adam felt the Holy Spirit prompt him to check on our little ‘bubs’. he was barely breathing and turning blue. we called the squad and the next thing i know, we were in the back of an ambulance being rushed to children’s hospital. he had every medical test known to man done to him. he was poked, prodded and prayed for. at the hospital we called our families and church for prayer support. after we knew salem was out of immediate danger and stabilized, i reverted to making jokes. it was my coping mechanism. we were under such stress. we were in the hospital for five long days and celebrated our christmas that year in salem’s hospital room. upon his release from the hospital, he was perfectly healthy. the doctors had speculation, but after all the test results were in, there was never a finite answer for the cause of his almost death experience. he was released from the hospital: cause unknown. 




we know prayer can change anything. we trust that God is in control of all circumstances. we chose joy in that stressful time of our lives. upon returning home, we watched salem every night for several months, worried it might happen again. we are so grateful that now he is a healthy amazing six year old boy!
…
this might all sound like silliness and simplicity. but we choose to laugh in the face of stress and frustrations. smile in the face of our disappointments. and choose joy in the midst of our all circumstances.
hahahahaha!
we will put our hope in Christ and choose joy!
…
the apostle paul is one of my heros when it comes to having joy in all circumstances. he was shipwrecked, hungry, tired, imprisoned, and lived with a thorn in his flesh. he suffered adverse circumstances and severe persecution, and he maintained joy at all times ~ all for Christ.
paul talked about his suffering. he never pretended it didn’t exist. i don’t know why – in the american church – we ever started doing that! keeping silent or pretending about what your circumstances are is the worst way to handle things. it will isolate you from the community Christ has called us all to. and the enemy can more easily discourage and defeat those who isolate themselves. God Himself was three-in-one {Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit}.
paul remained in community whenever he could. he was authentic with what was going on in his life. he was honest about his aches and pains. but he didn’t dwell on them. he didn’t stay in the pit of despair. he relied on the community he was called to serve for their support. he gave thanks in all circumstances and encouraged them to do the same.
one of my favorite books in the Bible about maintaining joy in all circumstances is Philippians, especially chapter 4.
…
if you are discouraged or despair in your circumstances, reach out to Jesus, to others, find a healthy church community and read Philippians.
then take time to laugh loudly {LOL!} in the face of your distress and give thanks in all circumstances.
hahahahaha!!!

the oscars

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a few days ago, our nation was obsessed with one thing…
the oscars. 

Oscar_statuette.jpg

who was there? who did they have hanging on their arm? what were they wearing? were their boobs showing too much? was their dress too ridiculous… or fashionable enough? i mean, a tux is just another tux. not super exciting to look at, right? was the host funny enough? did the winners give good acceptance speeches? or did they screw up? 
millions of viewers were on the edge of their couches, chairs and love seats watching. waiting. wondering who would win… an oscar. or they were watching downton abbey.
at least this seemed the case according to many of our facebook friends.

i’m pretty sure my facebook newsfeed accurately reflects what’s *hip and *happening in society…
at least, i hope so.

i don’t know about the rest of you, but i certainly logged onto facebook november 7th, 2012 to find out which wonderful person would hold the wonderful office of white house president.
yup. i found out who would be runnin’ this nation as president for the next four years thru facebook.
isn’t that sad? doesn’t that say a lot about me?
it saaaaays – i have no patience to stay awake watching the polls and drama of the newscasters – instead i will just ‘find out on facebook tomorrow’.

instead of the oscars on sunday night, or downton abbey [tho we are big fans of pbs, we’ve never seen this show] we rejected the notion of ‘fitting in’ and opted to watch an obsession of our own ~ the amazing race.

The_Amazing_Race_18_logo.jpg

while many people dream of walking on the red carpet, dressed in fine gowns and sharp tuxedos, linked arm and arm with {who society deems as} ‘beautiful people’, we dream of running all over the world in a race for 1 million dollars. or rather, 1 million lives. sure. we would love to win a million dollars, but even more we would love to run around the world {Matthew 28:18-20} impacting millions of lives for one purpose. Love.

a love that changes people. a selfless love which is patient, kind, always protects, trusts, hopes and perseveres, a love which does not boast, endures all things and never fails. a love likened to a consuming fire which can not be quenched.
and this love is unlike any other love, this love is a person. His name is Jesus.

like the amazing race ~ our life in the ministry is an adventure ~ based around people we love and serve in our church and community. people in relationship who experience both struggles and joy. people who face challenges, detours and roadblocks. there are pit stops and twelve hour rest periods along the way… but this journey never ends. rather than winning a million dollars, there is an eternal focus ~ eyes fixed on knowing and following hard after Jesus. a desire to see His Kingdom come. His will be done. throughout the nations.  one day, all the nations will bow before Him… until then, it is all about pursuing Jesus… and along the journey some will choose to take a step back, or even walk away.

although we would love to one day go on the amazing race, we already live an adventure in ministry that is incomparable. we serve the King of Kings, the most glorious royalty, the most famous man ever known. Jesus. 
He never walked the red carpet… instead He rode on an ass over broken branches and worn out clothes down a dusty road.
He never slipped on a tuxedo or donned shoes that cost more than my house… instead He wore a simple tunic and walked this earth in worn out sandals.
He never had a team of stylists and fashion assistants… instead He humbly served and washed His disciples feet.
He was never accepted by mainstream society… instead He was rejected, betrayed and denied.
He never gave an acceptance speech for winning ‘best actor’… instead He taught in parables about the coming Kingdom and spoke the Truth in love.
He never received any academy awards… instead He received a scarlet robe, a twisted crown of thorns, and a severe beating from a mocking mob.
He was never quoted in the newspapers in defense of what ‘should have been’ or what ‘he should have won’… instead He loved His enemies and accepted His call unto death on a cross.

so, i really don’t give a shit who won which oscar. 
we may not ever have the chance to go on the amazing race and win a million dollars… what we do have is the amazing ‘life in ministry’ adventure God has called us to. the awesome journey we walk, run and sometimes fall on. we have served in churches across the united states. we have served in missions across the nations. we have humbly been a part of many lives and a part of making disciples for His glory. for over eight years our adventure has continued in central ohio… and what an amazing race it has been. we are so grateful! we hope you will follow this blog and join us for all our future ministry adventures. to be continued…

after all, the record is only half written… In Him, Leslie