Seeing without Pictures

These are my random thoughts from Tuesday, March 4th ~ read at your own risk.

It is 1am. I have recently consumed a pot of coffee and several tablespoons of sugar biscuits in the form of monkey bread, so there is no telling what might funnel out of my mind and onto the keyboard. I should probably go to bed, because in approximately 8 hours, 10 women and their children will walk up my front steps, knock on my front door and enter my home. How do I know this? Am I physic? No. I have Bible study at my house tomorrow… err… today.

Alas, I am not going to bed yet. I am writing what you are now reading. This was the only time for me to write. Earlier today, I opened up my trusty ol’ Mac. Apple. Tosh. laptop. We’ve been in each others lives for 10 years now… we’ve shared many memories, stories and photos. It’s been a good relationship overall, but today my Mac failed me. The screen was black. I was growing anxious. I really wanted to write this morning… About my thoughts from Monday, because my Tuesday thoughts hadn’t happened yet… So I re-started, I tried, I prayed, I cried… and darkness. The screen was still black. I knew this day was coming. The dinosaur Macbook was going to expire sooner or later.

I stared at a black screen. Wishing, hoping, praying it would come back to life. Panicking over the memories stored on its hard drive, I grew increasingly frustrated as the moments ticked by. I only care about my photos. Nothing else on the laptop matters. We talked with the Apple store and there is a good chance they can recover the data. There’s still hope. Yet I was past the point of recovering from my anxiety. I was so caught up in recovering the past. I must have my photos, to preserve the memories! My mind swirled with thoughts of frustration and anxiety. There was nothing I could do to change the black screen. I was wasting time fretting, worrying over saving the past, while ignoring the memories to be made right in front of me.

My youngest daughter was playing happily in our living room, while her brother and sister were in school, and I was internally freaking out, sitting a few feet from her. What’s wrong with this picture?! Me. I was missing a myriad of moments to be cherished with her. I was missing her hugs. her questions. her stories. her laughter. her toothless smile. My heart was convicted. The cloud of anguish over (possibly – hopefully not) losing our family photos lifted. The Holy Spirit gently nudged me to close the black screen and let. it. go.

So I did. We played and talked and ate lunch together. We created memories. I didn’t need to take a picture to be saved on my phone, transferred to my laptop, or uploaded onto social media. My heart preserved the moment. 

I really really really -did I say really- hope our photos will be recovered. I love taking pictures. I love looking at old photos. The kids and I love looking at pictures from when ‘they were babies’. They are still -and always will- be my babies. Everyday I have to hold them is a gift. I don’t want to miss these gifts, because I am staring at a screen.

There are still future stories I hope to capture in photos to be saved and shared. In the meantime, I am coming out from behind the dark screen, into the light, where I can see. I can see without pictures. My children before me. My husband beside me. My friends around me. My life ahead of me. I see. And I really need to go to bed now, so I can see the women who are coming to my house for Bible study in the morning. After they leave, I will definitely be taking a nap. Amen.

Go to Hell

I am, what some might refer to as, a hot head. 

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Me, age 11 (bottom right) with my family at Knotts Berry Farm 🙂

My temper flares, my patience unravels, my emotions explode… and sometimes collateral damage is shed on those around me.  I am not a hot head, just for the hell of it. There is always a logical reason stirring beneath emotions which can lead to my eruptions. Sometimes I do fly off the handle for no reason, but most of the time, there is a completely logical reason, underlying the outbursts – I become enraged when it comes to acts of unfair treatment. My anger stems from my desire to see justice.

When I was growing up, I wanted to be a lawyer. Why? There were 3 reasons I was planning to go the law route, which made perfect sense to me: I was good at yelling, I was good at arguing and I had an overarching desire to see justice. In school, I loved studying, talking about, and writing reports on subjects like the Holocaust, racism and abortion. I enjoyed discussing why things in our history were wrong. Unjust. Should. not. have. happened (and should not be currently happening) Yes. I was a fun child to be around.

While ideas of what actually constitutes injustice might vary, even varying levels of injustice, my interpretation is from Micah 6:8 “He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with Your God?” As a kid, and now as an adult, I desire to see justice. I desire to love kindness and to walk humbly with my God. All of these actions are forms of love we have a responsibility to live out as Christians. As a Christ follower, I have a life calling to do justice. 

I never became a lawyer, but I am still responsible for justice.  Growing up, I had no problem bringing the court into the playground and standing up for justice. Kids can be mean! I sensed a calling to be the playground policewoman. I placed myself on the stand as the judge, responsible for pounding the gavel and calling the bullies into order, and sentencing any unfair treatment my ears heard about or my eyes laid hold of… at school, on the playground, and at home.

One afternoon, my brother and I were playing in our front yard, creating sidewalk chalk masterpieces on our driveway. At the time, I was 11 years old and my brother was 9. Two of our neighbors, who were brothers, came over and began to bother us. They started throwing water balloons around our chalk artwork, and I told them to stop it. They did not stop and continued throwing the water balloons, each time nearing closer and closer to us, threatening to hit us with one of their balloons. It may appear as innocent water play, but their actions were not innocent. Unfortunately, we had a like/hate relationship with these brothers. Some days we could play together having a great time, and the next day, they would act like jerks and treat us like crap. Some days they were our best friends and other days they were our worst enemies. I knew that. They did not stop throwing the balloons, even though I had asked them kindly to do so.

So. I. Snapped. 

“GO TO HELL!” 

I yelled at the brothers and they ran home.

My brother and I ran inside to tell our mom what had just happened. Heavy breathing, holding back tears… we cried out to our mom, “It’s not fair! We were just playing, not bothering them. They wouldn’t leave us alone. I told them to go to hell!” Our mom, listened with understanding ears, and gently corrected my overreaction. “Perhaps, next time you come inside and ask me to help you before telling them to go to hell.”

A few moments later, <<<knock, knock, knock>>>. The brothers mother was at our front door. “Did your daughter just tell MY SONS to go to hell?” Yes. My mom calmly replied. She asked their mother, “Did your boys tell you what they were doing to my kids first?” That shut her up. My mom was fully aware of our on again/off again friends/enemies relationship with the brothers. She knew how they sometimes treated us. She was proud of us for standing up for justice on the driveway.

Today I still desire to stand up for justice. It is at the core of my every longing, intertwined with my very being. The injustice in this world is daunting. My heart cries out for all forms of injustice of every form, especially the injustice which takes shape as modern-day slavery and sexual trafficking. Anyone can google statistics on these subjects and become informed. The more information we know, the more we become aware of the level of injustice happening today. The more we are aware, the more we can intercede and pray. The more we intercede and pray, God will show us how and where to respond.

I have asked the Lord, “Why won’t You just eradicate slavery and human trafficking?” You can end it with a miracle. I believe these are the most unjust forms of behavior in our world today. And I believe God is eradicating this injustice, through His people. There are many amazing organizations praying, working and rescuing. One of the most life changing documentaries you can see on this subject is Nefarious: Merchant of Souls. Warning: it is not for the faint of heart and it will change your life.

So I asked the Lord, “Why?” and His answer has come in many ways – through His people. God is asking me, He is asking us, ‘Who and what are we fighting for today? Who and what are we defending today?’ We are all called to do something. I believe it is time we stand up, take notice, become informed and become the everyday justice police in our families, on the playgrounds, in our communities, and in our world. It is time to tell human trafficking to “Go to Hell!” We must respond to the call – As a Christ follower, I have a life calling to do justice.

In Him, Leslie

*You may disagree with my “Go to Hell!” approach for a start to calling out injustice. What’s Yours?

the lost pearl . . .

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Recently, my mom sent me a necklace from The Vintage Pearl with a few special charms… and a pearl. That’s their signature deal. A little pearl comes on each necklace. A few days ago, I lost the pearl. I started to internally freak out like I do. Then I internally prayed like I try and remember to do. And I kept searching. I left the necklace on the kitchen counter, the latch was open, and the other charms were present, so I was certain the pearl had slipped off the chain and was rolling around hiding somewhere on the counter. This counter space, btw, is where I pile things. All sorts of things, the kids school papers, their priceless artwork, random little toys, lip gloss, pencils, important scrap papers, my Bible, my phone, my rings, aaaand… my necklace. After searching and turning over the pile, I started looking on the floor and in the kitchen corners. Yuck. I realized I need to sweep more – and I had just swept the night before! Ah ha! I had just swept! Perhaps the pearl was caught up in the broom pan and thrown away. I searched thru the trash. Yes, I did.

Throughout the search, I was praying and freaking out and praying some more. I was trying not to be frantic about finding the pearl. Nothing good comes from my being frantic. I sensed a peace as I searched thru the trash. I was willing to look through our trash for this pearl. I am not a gal who wears, or owns, a ton of jewelry. I wear the same earrings most days. I have worn the same 2 rings for over 17 years, my wedding ring and a rose spoon ring that belonged to my great aunt. I rarely change up my jewelry. But this pearl, this necklace, had become part of my daily jewelry routine. It had become special to me. And if it was lost, I had to let it go. But God… 

I continued to pray about finding the lost pearl throughout the day. I had searched the counter, the floors, and the trash. God was reminding me not to worry. It is okay if I never find the pearl… One day, I might just randomly find it… If it’s lost forever, it’s really okay… I can buy another pearl… The pearl is not an eternal thing I need to lose my mind over… I was really okay with losing the pearl… But God.

I began picking up and moving around the toys in the living room. Our 4 year old usually asks us to “make a pile” of her toys, otherwise she’s too “overwhelmed” by her self-made messes and throws a fit about cleaning up. How many times do I do the same thing? I become frustrated if I leave a mess for too long. The mess becomes more daunting if I don’t address it right away, and I become overwhelmed. If I leave the dirty dinner dishes to “soak” overnight, they don’t magically clean themselves. They are staring me in the face the next morning. If I put off paying a bill, or calling the insurance company, or finishing a project in a timely manner, it only causes me frantic feelings. I was frustrated with myself about the piles I make, and the procrastination I too easily embrace, turning a simple task into a complicated ordeal… I was frustrated with myself over the random places I choose to put things, like my necklace, leaving space an innocent mess to turn into a lost treasure… But God.

God cares so much. For me. For the innocent messes – turned daunting overwhelming frantic messes – I make. He cares enough to teach me thru great loss and pain I have experienced, and He cares enough to teach me thru losing small, material, non-eternal things… like my lost pearl. As I moved the toys around in the living room, I came across the pearl. It was underneath one of the many dolls that cover our living room floor. An unexpected joy washed over me. My heart swelled with the reminder that anything lost can be found. God cares so much. He cares about everything. He wants us to seek Him for everything. Big or small. Difficult or easy. Important or menial. The details matter to Him. The loss of a small pearl, or the heartache of grief from the loss of a loved one… Whatever our circumstances look like, there is hope. In Him… 

God cares because He loves… He wants me to experience His love. My mom loves me so much, she gave me a special necklace. She expressed her love thru a special gift. God loves me so much, He wants to give me more of Himself. He expressed His love to this world thru the greatest gift, His son Jesus. As I follow God and let Him love me, He teaches me how to love, how to become more like Him. The greatest gift is not that the lost pearl has been found. The greatest gift is trusting God after a loss, seeking Him to find what I truly need, Him teaching me to be more like Him in the process, and the joy of receiving Him as greatest gift. Knowing He is the giver of all joy in the midst of it all, regardless of the outcome, and thanking Him for finding the lost pearl.

Jeremiah 29:12-14a “Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all of your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord…”

Whatever has been stolen, lost or misplaced, can be found. It might not be in the way you expect. But God… 

In Him, Leslie

Finding reasons to {love} Winter

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I have found myself loving winter lately. Sure. It sounds crazy, but I can’t help myself. Adam is a native Californian and I am a native Oklahoman – two places where winter doesn’t last long or come at all, so my {love} of winter is rather comical. We have lived in Ohio and New York City for the past 13 winters, and found ourselves confronted with the bitterness of winter. As every season of cold, wind, snow and ice passes, I have grown to –and I still can’t believe I’m writing this– {love} winter. The first several winters I survived, but I really struggled with seasonal depression. Everything about winter made me angry, sad or numb. I had no joy.

I saw no value in winter.

I realize winter is not an easy season to appreciate, especially when it drags on and on. It can be costly as temperatures plummet, winter elements hit the roads making hazardous driving conditions, heating bills increase, winter clothing is needed, car batteries dying and pipes are freezing and bursting. Or –my personal favorite– it can be costly with the time it takes to bundle up yourself and 3 kids to get out the door, then shoveling your steep-ass driveway, only to find yourself stuck at the top of it, since you have the steepest driveway in your neighborhood. Yet in spite of the difficulties winter can bring, I have prayed for a change of heart and fresh outlook. I have found myself enjoying winter and being the mom who {wishes} for snow days.

Although there are still moments I find myself freaking out (stuck at the top of my steep-ass driveway) and longing for the beach…  I can honestly find reasons to {love} and enjoy winter.

*SNOW – it is beautiful. magical. unique. fluffy. pure and white. You can sled it, ski it, throw it, mold it and make angels in it. we love the outdoors and need to be outside or we go crazy, so we make it a priority to play in the snow and enjoy it.

*ClOTHING – i love boots, jeans, sweaters and coats. we have found many deals on winter clothing and shoes at thrift stores for our whole family… and on snow boots and pants, so we can bundle up and play in the winter elements. You can be fashionable, and warm, all winter long for minimal cost.

*TIME – winter slows the earth down. this is my favorite part about winter. transportation, activities and life in general, slows down… because it has to.  we are a culture that is too busy. life can stand to be a little slower all the time… yes – winter is an inconvenience, but we can learn to embrace it, enjoy it, and even {love} it.

Praying for you to survive, and even thrive, this winter… wherever you are. In Him, Leslie

The Cost of Christmas

This Christmas for our family was…hmmm, well… not. that. great.

I don’t want to write like a whiny complainer, but it felt sorta lacking…
The past few weeks leading up to Christmas were cracked with stress fractures, parent failures and heavy hearts.
Running short on time and high on stress, the simple task of buying a few small gifts for our three children became daunting.
I got sick on Christmas Eve and spent most of Christmas day sleeping, trying to feel better.
The cost of Christmas weighed heavy…
Where was the JOY?

The stores pulled out all the stops and put their best gifts on display…
The Cost of Christmas rang high.
Some pinching every penny…
Some putting off the payment until the credit card bill comes due…
Some planning perfectly and spending just the right amount.
As I stood in the lines, my mind swirled with the ridiculousness of the material mayhem.
>>>And I was fully aware, that I was a fully involved, fully committed, participant in it.<<<
I returned home, frustrated.
Where was the JOY?

I had forgotten.
I know it so well, yet I had forgotten…
It slipped away… almost.
Moments reminded me ~ Our 9 year old more excited to give than to receive, all of our children asking for simple gifts, grateful for the gifts they received… our children wanting time with us ~ more than anything. Special family time, laughing, enjoying, sledding in the snow… JOY was there all along.
Remember. Those. Moments.

The Cost of Christmas IS this ~
“Unto us a Son is given…” {Isaiah 9} 
The cost for Christ was everything.
He was given as the greatest gift.
He gave up His Heavenly dwelling
To dwell with us.
He came to live.
He came to die.
He came to be {Emmanuel} God with us.
Christmas can be costly, but He already paid it for us.
We may have allowed stress to overwhelm us,
pressure points strain us,
material mayhem consume us,
and joy to be momentarily stolen from us…,

but we have Him. 
He paid the Cost. no other bills to pay off…
He is everything. no other gifts needed.
He is our JOY. nothing else can be.
The cost of Christmas is found~
JOY in Him…
dwelling beneath the frustration, failures, hurt and pain, JOY abounds. JOY returns. JOY remains.  

He is Emmanuel God with us. With. Us. Always. 

Have you felt the cost of Christmas?
Remember. Those. Moments. 
Remember ~ He is with us.

In Him, Leslie